Kangaroo Court #3 - Glasgow, MT

The last and final K-Court.

To: Finnfest
From: Everyone who went to Finnfest
Re: Where are all the Finns?

To: Bobby
Fine: 50 cents
Re: For not getting a townie

To: Derek
Fine: 10 cents
Re: For eating cereal with chopsticks

To: US-23
Fine: 2 billion barrels of oil
Re; For taking aesthetic cues from the Persian Gulf

To: The van
From: Everyone
Fine: 50 cents
Re: For sucking

To: The wind
From: Everyone
Fine: 50 cents
Re: You suck

To: Oversive Loads
From: Craig Lee
Fine: 25 cents
Re: Two parts 1) Courtesy flush and 2) Giant windmill blades on the road

To: J-Muffin
From: J-Nasty
Fine: 10 cents
Re: For J-Muffin’ the wind out of me

Props: Katrina
From: Jessie
Re: For riding your bike after breaking your hand

Props: Jessie
From: Craig, Kate, Kathy and Erik
Re: Being a badass and pulling us up all the hills into Pepin

Props: Sean
From: Joy
Re: For finishing the largest pancake I’ve ever seen

To: Derek
From: Anson
Fine: 10 cents
Re: For creeping me out by napping with your eyes open

To: Isaiah
From: Kathy
Fine: 5 cents
Re: One word: Grayba

To: Trailer door
From: Joy
Fine: 50 cents
Re: For hitting me in the head!

Props: Joy
From: Everyone
Re: Thanks for the que sheets

To: Mosquitos
From: Craig
Fine: 1 tube of cortisone
Re: Look what you did to my neck

To: Dae
From: Jessie
Fine: 10 cents
Re: For saying within earshot of Isaiah’s mother, “Oh wow, Isaiah was a fatty!”

To: Christopher
From: The general bingo public
Fine: One bingo card
Re: For getting competitive at Bingo. As if there is any skill involved. Quote, “Screw these old people. They’ve lived their lives.”

To: Dan/GPS
From: The Pepin peloton
Fine: 5 miles and 5 pieces of chalk
For: Leading us into a wildlife refuge with dirt roads

To: Bobby
From: Jessie
Fine: 25 cents
Re: For saying, “When we finish moving the dirt off the tarp there’s just gonna be mud. We should get the girls over here so they can wrestle.”

To: Ian
From: Craig, Kate, Kathy and Jessie
Fine: 5 miles of my life back
Re: For chalking, “I pity the fool” and thinking that others would interpret it as “right turn.”

To: Zack
From: Jessie (his date)
Fine: Formal apology
Re: For calling me “babe”

To: Katrina
From: Kate, Jessie, Isaiah and Bobby
Re: For drinking out of your retainer container. Use a cup! Al Gore wouldn’t drink out of his retainer container.

To: Administration
From: The riders
Fine: Your jobs
Re: For leaving us up shit creek without a paddle. Reference to the van and tents.

To: Prom
From: Kim
Fine: 50 cents (one admissions ticket)
Re: For existing

To: Weather.com
Re: Your job is to predict the weather and you suck at it.

To: Kathy
From: Kangaroo Court
Re: Leave me alone!

To: Dead cat on road
From: Joy
Fine: 43 cents
Re: For giving me nightmares

To: Maki
From: Joy
Fine: 10 cents
Re: For laughing insanely for at least 45 minutes after seeing dead cat

To: Maki
From: Jessie
Fine: 10 cents
Re: For thinking a dead cat with its eyes and guts popping out is the funniest thing to ever hit the planet.

To: Dead Cat
From: Laura
Fine: 27 cents (1 cent per mile laughed)
For having bulgy eyes and making me laugh all day because of the ugliness.

To: Hinckley
From: Craig
Fine: 1 night back
Re: I hate you.

To: Reed
From: Kathy
Fine: 10 cents
Re: For sagging your chamois so it looks like you’re carrying a load in your pants.

To: Whoever thought it was a good idea to bring a huge glass bottle of hot sauce on the trip
From: Kate
Fine: One bottle of hot sauce, preferably plastic
Re: Yours fell out of the trailer.
Props to Isaiah for helping me scrape it off the ground.

To: Bike and Build
From: Kangaroo Court
Re: Do not lose me again

Props: Anson
From: Kate
Re: For being the bike god and saving most of our group from days of squeaky bikes and dysfunctional deraileurs. We owe you.

To: Christopher, Joy, Isaiah, and Dan
From: Kathy
Fine: Van clean-up for the rest of the trip
Re: That shithole is so dirty and I clean it yet I don’t leave my taco bell wrappers or apple cores or condoms in it. Then I wind up throwing away important documents and you get mad. Stop the insanity please.

Dear MIT John,
Yes, I saw you sneak your breakfast before your stuff was out to the trailer the day after I called you out for it in Minot. The next time you want to sneak under the radar, maybe you should change into your jersey first.
With sincere and unending love,
Kathy

To: Michelle
Fine: 50 cents
Re: When she tried to proposition other Bike and Builders in downtown Duluth by suggesting that we “pool our money together and get a room at the Comfort Suites for the night.”

To: Sharon
From: Kathy and Erik
Fine: No rest for your weary soul (I will wake you every nap I see you taking.)
Re: For waking up an hour early at Isaiah’s farm (after a 116-mile day) and, unable to open the door to the camper, proceeded to spend 15 of the loudest minutes tearing off the door to get out, waking us up in the process.

Props: Kathy
From: Everyone who wanted everything moved outside this morning
Re: You motivate us all with your “Let’s do it to it” attitude. But maybe the next time you want to scream, “”Let’s get this shit outside” try not to do it in the pastor’s ear.

Props: Jessie and Kate
From: Joy
Re: For attempting to hold tent up while sleeping during Hurricane Theodore

To: Teddy Roosevelt
Re: You sir, are a douche

To: Murphy of Murphy’s Law (Anything that can go wrong, will)
From: Everyone
Fine: 50 cents
Re: Thanks for everything, asshole

Props: Sharon, Sean Lindsey and Anson
From: Everyone especially our bikes, bags and gear
Re: For making our exciting night WAY less traumatic

To: The National Park Service
From: Everyone
Fine: $150 and one night of decent sleep
Re: For overcharging us to stay at your shoddy park, for warning us about buffalo and then refusing to come out when we were stranded in the road and for coming out to our campsite to check on the RV Trailer in the morning. Because I’m sure the RV trailer had a really rough night, you assholes.

To: Jessie
From: Kate and Joy
Re: For this morning at 3AM—“Tornado!”

To: Bison
From: Everyone
Fine: 25 cents
Re: Stop being such a fatty and move your lazy butt off the road

To: Dae
Fine: 50 cents
Re: For fleeing the scene of the crime. After leaving a South Korea XXXL sized dump in the men’s bathroom, the residents of the aforementioned restroom had “Hot Burrito Night” in the TRNP. The fear of overflow and the choice between a floor covered in Dae-poo and the perfect storm prevented any attempt at a flush. After the dirty deed, Dae retreated to the van where he accepted the penance of the reclining, warm driver’s seat as his comfy bed. Mad props to Sean for getting up close and personal to the you know what.

Props: The “Good Samaritan”
Re: To the old man who said, “Ya’ll missing a tarp?” Isaiah in response, “I don’t think so…” Old Man, “Cause I found this blue tarp about a mile away in a tree and I figured it might be yours.

Quote: “This is the most we have spent on accommodations thus far and Sean is sleeping face down next to a urinal . . . this is the quiet room.” – Unknown